4 noticeable things black millennial women are doing that are preventing them from flourishing in relationships

before anyone gets all bent outta shape, i want to make it known that what i've included in this post is easily applicable to anyone, regardless of their race and/or gender. however, i specifically chose to reference black millennial women for two reasons. the first reason is that many of my friends fall within this category (black millennial women). i've witnessed them time and time again tread on cyclic, never ending cycles of confusion, despair and pain with their boyfriends (or not boyfriends). the second reason is because i have a little sister and i want to prompt conversations that help her to learn from the mistakes of women that have preceded her and/or those she may look up to. if it's not applicable to you.... it's not applicable to you. maybe you have it all under control and it's your friend(s) who could benefit more from reading this. nevertheless, here's my unpopular opinion regarding why many black millennial women are out here "un-winning" in relationships. 

4). turning a blind eye to the facts they already know to be true. 

one of the biggest mistakes i’ve seen many of my female friends make is falling in love with potential rather than reality. it’s as though there’s this unspoken mentality that you can “change” him and that if you give him “enough time”, he’ll change. more often than not, he won’t. if he wasn’t much of anything when you met him…chances are he won’t be much of anything three or four years from now when you finally decide to cut your losses. don’t spend your precious time on a man whose actions don’t value you like his words suggest. it’s only prolonging you from meeting the person you’re actually meant to be with. 

3). being more concerned with investing in the portrayal of their relationships on social media rather than maintaining the actual relationship itself.

just because you post a picture of your alleged boyfriend or male bestfriend that you’re also sleeping with as your man crush monday (mcm), does not mean that things are all peachy. it doesn’t matter how many people comment on the picture, the amount of likes you get is not commensurate with the amount of respect he’ll give you in your relationship (or lack thereof). focus less on the instagram filter and more on how you can filter through the issues stopping the two of you from advancing to the next stage of your lives together. 

2). looking for the man that they believe to be the "prototype" without consideration of who God has set aside for them.

i’ve seen it time and time again among black millennial women. they all say they want the man that has this quality and that trait.. but who has God ordained for you to be with? could it be that he wants you to be with the guy next door but you’re so fixated on who you think is the perfect guy that you’ve been blinded? know yourself. know your worth (drake voice).  know that who is for you is for you. you won’t have to force it, you won’t have to compromise your values and beliefs. it’ll work out and you’ll eventually see that who you thought was the prototype was merely the type that would’ve used you, abused you and left you high and dry in the long run, anyway. 

1). taking advice from their friends who are sinking just as quickly as they are.

ever heard the saying, “misery loves company”? it’s true. i’m not saying that this is true in all cases but a lot of black women (from what i’ve seen) are vindictive toward one another. they’ll tell you that your boyfriend is not worth your time when all the while they’ve been entertaining him in their dm’s (direct messages).  and besides that, you just don’t need to tell everyone your business. choose wisely who you choose to confide in. find those who genuinely are invested in you and will give you honest insight, not messy solutions that’ll only intensify your problems. black millennial women will swear up and down they don’t have many friends…until they have a problem with a guy. then, they feel compelled to discuss it with everyone, then wonder how their “business got out”.  hurt people hurt people (some of you will get that on the way out). keep that in mind when you are asking for and receiving advice.